


Anxiety

by Olivemunch



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Child Abuse, Cutting, Depression, Dick Jokes, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Don't Even Know, Love, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 15:26:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14571951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivemunch/pseuds/Olivemunch
Summary: Kenma suffers from anxiety but Kuroo is there to help.





	1. Chapter 1

I stood; all eyes in me. I hated it. I want to sit back down, not read to the entire class. Why can't teachers understand kids can have a condition like mine? I wish Kuroo were here. I was paralysed, I can't move.

Help me.

Stop staring.

Stop.

Speak.

Don't speak, they'll laugh.

You'll say something wrong and they'll all laugh.

Kuroo.

Help.

"Kenma, is there an issue?" My teacher.

Don't make me speak.

Dear god.

Help me.

"Kenma, sit down. I'll speak to you after." I could hear snickers from some of the popular kids; shrinking back into my chair, burying my head in my arms.

Don't cry. Don't give them another reason to laugh.

Minutes went by and I cancelled all noise out. I don't want to be here. I want to see Kuroo, to go home and curl up in my bed. But no. I was stuck in a classroom, surrounded by other teenagers. I don't have any friends except Kuroo. 

The bell finally rang and I rushed out of class, glad the day was over, ignoring the teacher calling my name. I couldn't see Kuroo anywhere. Reaching for my phone I saw Yaku and he saw me. It took him a few seconds to jog to where I was standing.  
"Hey Kenma, are you ok? You look like your gonna burst into tears." I felt like I was going to burst into tears.

Shaking my head was all I managed, afraid of talking. He started to worry and went into 'mom mode'.  
"What happened?" I tried my best to explain but he seemed to be having trouble making out what my mumbles meant. I didn't mean to mumble it just happens, but we got there in the end. Just as Kuroo appeared.

I was so happy to see him, but no smile tugged at my lips, none ever did these days. Luckily he could tell something was wrong and gave Yaku a questioning look. Yaku was happy to explain. After a little while, Kuroo suggested we go back to his and I agreed since lev had come and taken Yaku away. 

We walked back to his silently. It was cold and I was shivering; haven forgotten my coat Kuroo had kindly given me his hoodie. It smelt like him, cologne and strawberries, wonderful. I always had felt like Kuroo was more of a friend but I'm also overly sure he isn't gay. I could feel the heat rise to my face and hid behind my hair. 

We sat in his room on the floor, even now I felt awkward; Still wrapped up in his hoodie, Kuroo refusing to let me take it off until I had stopped shivering. He keeps side eyeing me while we study and it's incredibly distracting, I can feel the heat rushing to my face.  
"Kenma?"

Shit.

"Do you like me?"

Arrgggh kill me.

"W..wha?" Was all I could manage. He leant closer to me as leant away from him, I feel so embarrassed.

"As more than friends? Do you like me as more than a friend?" He smirked. 

God, I love that sexy smirk.

No, don't think something like that. 

I stared at him wishing I could evaporate into thin air. He kept leaning closer until he was an inch away from my face.

Speak dammit.

Say something to him.

Help me.

Why is he putting me on the spot like this?

He's being so cruel.

Leave me alone. 

I feel like I'm going to start crying.

Please don't start crying.

"Kenma, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. You don't have to answer but I really like you and I have done for years. It's okay if you don't feel the same." His expression had changed to a worried and embarrassed smile. Kuroo's whole face was red. I was trying to process what he had said but I can't think clearly. I can feel warm tears streaming down my face, I want to stop but I can't. 

Kuroo sat upright and slowly, gently pulled me towards him into an embrace.

"I l..like you t..too." It came out as a messy whisper, hardly even there but Kuroo still heard, thankfully. He held me in his arms until I had calmed down. Putting a hand under my chin he tilted my head and softly kissed my lips causing me to blush. It was sweet and short, I could taste the grapes he had been eating while we had been studying. I wanted to stay in his arms forever but his mother came through the door and I jolted away from him, heat rushing to my face.

Embarrassing.

"H..hey mom." Kuroo chuckled awkwardly. He was blushing too, so cute. But his mother didn't seem to happy.


	2. Chapter 2

His mother looked upset, almost hurt. Kuroo could tell as he asked what the matter was. She explained that she had been fired and how her and Kuroo's father were getting a divorce when asked why she simply stated that there were too many complications. She and Kuroo looked to be on the brink of tears. I felt awkward like I was intruding, not wanted.

"So who gets custody of me?" Tears now slowly rolling down his cheeks.

"I do. Your father said he didn't want you because he's going to Spain and you'd just get in the way. How could he be so cruel." She was crying. On her knees. Head in hands. Kuroo got up and walked over to her, pulled her to her feet and hugged her tight. She apologised but Kuroo said there was no need for her to do so. He was right, it wasn't her fault at all.

After ten minutes and a good cup of tea the tears had stopped falling, but now no one spoke. I still feel very awkward. I'm not going to say though, I'm not going to draw attention to myself, that would be selfish. Complaining that I'm uncomfortable would be so rude, I'm an inconvenience.

Pathetic. 

"Kenma, you're shaking. Is something wrong?" Kuroo turned his head towards me upon his mother's words. I hadn't realised but I was shaking and breathing as if all oxygen had been robbed from my lungs. Gripping my mug as if my life depended on it, sweating. Too scared to speak I shook my head, no. Kuroo got up and walked around the table to give me a hug, it was nice but I noticed his mother looked shocked and pushed him away on instinct.

I'm pathetic and stupid.

I can't stop shaking.

I can't breathe.

Help me.

Save me.

"It's ok. Kenma look at me. It's fine, there's nothing to worry about. My mother already knows I like you. If you need a hug don't hold back." His smile melted my heart. I needed his arms around me. To protect me. Make me feel safe. I practically jumped towards him almost knocking him over. I clinged to him and he carefully put his arms around me, we fit together perfectly and it was wonderful. 

Perfect.

I'm being saved but he's not always going to be here.

Don't think like that. 

But I'm right.

I wish there was a cure.

But there's not.

"Why don't you two go to bed? It's very late and you've got school tomorrow." Kuroo nodded and picked me up bridal style. I covered my face, embarrassed once more. He chuckled. I could feel his muscles moving under his shirt which just made me blush even more.

"Do you want me to sleep on the floor so you can have the bed?"

"Why don't we both sleep in the bed?" He smirked and heat rose to my face, but I nodded and got into my pyjamas that I kept at his house for when I stayed around. He stared at me as I got changed, he looked happy but it was making me uncomfortable, I didn't want him to see them since he had no idea they were there, noticing this he looked away.

"You're so cute kitten." 

Kitten?

He planted a kiss on my forehead before getting into his night ware, which was just his boxers. Sexy. We both settled down facing each other, my face staring directly at his chest, arm under my head. The other had snaked around my waist while both mine were around his torso. He was warm and welcoming, yet I was a little afraid. I don't even know why I've known him for years. 

"Kitten?"

I shyly looked up at him, seeing him from this angle he was even more attractive.

"You look a little worried, is everything ok?" 

"I was wondering what was gonna happen since your mother has been fired you've got no source of income. " He sighed and told me not to think about it to much and that he loved me and that they would work something out. It didn't do much to calm me.

"You worry to much, kitten..."

And as if he magically remembered. 

"...oh yeah, sorry."

"It's ok, I'm too tired to care but I don't feel like I can sleep" he kissed me gently and sat up, I lay there not thinking much of it. That was until he put his hands either side of my body, a leg between my legs and a sly smile. I was trapped underneath him, my ears felt like they were on fire and I tried to speak but only let out a whimper.

"Cute." He chuckled and pressed his lips to mine, he was being rough this time. He pulled away and I turned my head to the side. 

"Don't wanna?" I shook my head, why would I want to do something like that when we started dating about thirty minutes ago?

"Ok." And with that he lay back down and played with my hair until I fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke to the sound of Kuroo snoring softly. It was 4 am. Raining, great as long as there isn't any thunder. I looked over at kuroo and decided he wouldn't wake up if I moved. Slowly edged across the bed and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I fumbled around in my pyjama pocket; trying to find the object I always carried around with me.

It was cold as a wrapped my fingers around it. Breathing heavily despite having done this many times before. It was an addiction, I couldn't stop no matter how much I wanted to. I dragged the blade across my forearm watching the blood form bubbles on the surface of the wound; opening old scars. It stings but I can't stop, there is such relief in it but others don't understand.

I stood there with a small smile on my face, blood slowly dripping down both arms like the tears from my eyes. I heard a knock and yanked my sleeves down before opening the door to find kuroo.

"What ya up so early for?" I stared at the floor hiding my arms behind my back, my sleeves were probably covered in blood by now. He must have seen the tears as he pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I tried to hug back but he quickly pulled away giving me a stern look.

"Why are your sleeves bloody?"

I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I just hung my head in shame.

"Kenma, show me your arms please?" He spoke calmly but it sounded more like a command than a question. Hesitantly I lifted my sleeves and let him see, for I trusted him completely.   
"Why? Why didn't you tell me? I could...I...I ca..can help..." Tears were streaming down his cheeks, so distraught. He was rubbing his thumbs on the side of my arm, tracing old scars as he spoke. I hated seeing him so upset, I want happy Kuroo back. I didn't answer. 

"Do your parents know?" I stayed silent but shook my head. Kuroo gently coaxed me towards him and into his muscular arms. We stayed like that for a while, he rubbed my back with one hand and played with my hair using the other. It was heavenly. Everything was quiet until the cracking of thunder made me jump and let out a squeak. My squeaking had alarmed Kuroo and he tugged me back to his room; blankets sprawled on the floor, he sat down and put one over his shoulders as he slouched against the bed.  
He then invited me to sit in his lap and swathed the blanket around the both of us. I was sat sideways so I could still look at him. The moonlight coming through the open window highlighted his chiselled features, beautiful. There was another crack of thunder and I clutched onto him, face buried in his chest. He stroked my hair and whispered to me softly, he was so warm it didn't take long for me to fall back to sleep.

......................................................................

Kuroo woke me up at 7am giving us an hour to get ready for school. I didn't want to go. School is shit. I'd rather stay at home and play video games.  
"Kuroo, I feel sick." Yeah, 'sick' the ultimate excuse for everything. He looked at me as if he were making a decision.

"You do look pale, but then again, you always do." I looked at him with pleading 'cat' eyes. He rolled his eyes and sighed fine, I'll see you later. He brought me some tea before he left, giving me a kiss goodbye. The day dragged without him, my arms hurt, I had finished my game a few times already and had nothing to do. I thought of texting Kuroo but he would be in the middle of the fourth lesson and I don't want him to get in trouble, he can do that on his own.

I got up, still wrapped in the blanket, I felt a little light headed but that was my own fault. I hadn't eaten at all in five days; I haven't been eating properly for three years though. This was something Kuroo had picked up on pretty quickly and started worrying that I was going to die if I didn't eat something. I considered having something to eat but decided against it. Walking downstairs his mother said something to me along the lines of 'Kenma - San I didn't realise you were still here. Oh, are you ill?' That's when she started fussing over me and calling my parents to tell them I wasn't at school and why.

Kuroo came home a couple of hours later and stole me away from his mother. Which I was very grateful for the concern but she was being excessive. Kuroo took me back up to his room and let's just say things got a little steamy from there, no we did not have sex.


	4. Chapter 4

Kenma restlessly shuffled around in the normally soft blankets. It had only been three days since kuroo had found out that he was a cutter and already, after trying so hard not to, he'd cut himself again. The blond felt terrible about doing it but the pressure to not cut had gotten to him.

He felt uncomfortable laying next to Kuroo after what he'd done. Shifting gently out of bed and made his way to the bathroom once again. Kenma didn't know what time it was, it was dark with no rain and that was good enough for him.

He found the metallic blade, which he had cleaned at kuroo's request in case he relapsed, and sank down onto the cold, hard floor.

Turning the metal over in his hand hot tears gathered in his eyes. 

He'd promised.

Why was this so difficult?

He could, he knows he shouldn't. 

Kenma calmed himself back down, impressive, that hadn't happened in a long time. The boy felt a sharp stinging in his hand.

He had gripped the blade by accident.

It was deep.

Kenma sobbed, it really hurt. He rushed back to his shared room where kuroo had propped himself up on his elbows.  
Kuroo drowsily queried "Kenma what's wrong?" He heard the small boy whimper and shove his hand towards him. The raven bolts upright.

"I d.didn't mean to, I..I'm sorry." Kuroo scrambled out of bed and into the bathroom to fetch a wet cloth, gently pressing it on the smaller boys palm.

"I'm gonna wake up mom and then we're going to the hospital. Ok?" Kenma frantically shook his head, he didn't like hospitals or doctors. Too many bright lights and rushing around, it was a big no for him.

"I'm sorry kitten but that's not going to heal on its own." 

He gave kenma a peck on the nose and left to wake his mother. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The journey was quick but kenma was annoyed that kuroo told his mother about it because he had specifically asked for no one else to know. The trio rushed into the hospital, Mrs kuroo quickly signing in at the desk, Kuroo texting kenma's mother to explain where they were.

A young nurse came to get them and direct them to where they needed to be. The doctor asked many questions: 

How it happened. 

Pain rating. 

Had it happened before. Etc 

Kuroo answered all of them as kenma was to uncomfortable.

Ms kozume arrived a little while later as kenma was being stitched up. It was only three stitches. The doctor wrapped his hand in a bandage a left them alone. Kenma didn't even get a hug off his mother or a smile.

Ms kozume was the first to speak.  
"Why kenma?" The blonde shuffled in his seat, drawing his knees up to his chest to hide the trembling.  
"I didn't mean to." He murmured.   
"What do you mean? 'I didn't mean to' that looks very much like it was done on purpose."  
Kenma buried his head in his knees, his good hand gripping his pyjama pants as if his life depended on it. It certainly felt that way to him.   
"Uh, Ms Kozume your son had a panic attack. They happen quite a lot."

"It's attention seeking, that's what it is."


	5. Chapetr 5

Kuroo whipped around to glare at Kenma's mother, however deciding it better to keep his mouth shut he turned back to Kenma and smiled.  
"You ok?" The blond stayed still, answer interrupted by a nurse walking into the room.  
"You are allowed to leave, make sure you sign out at the desk."

Everyone except Kenma thanked the nurse, as he just nodded. Kenma slid off of the chair. Following the others out of the bright room, almost walking into the doorway had Kuroo not redirected him.  
"Careful."  
"You still don't have a shirt on, it's very distracting." Kuroo chuckled, amused by his innocence.   
"Like what you see?" Kenma blushed furiously.  
"Our mothers are right in front of us." He whispered angrily. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once back home it was almost 5am, the sun peaking over the hills. Kenma saw no point in going back to sleep and played soundlessly on one of his handhelds.   
"Kenmaaaa, you need to sleep."  
"I did." Kuroo raised his eyebrows, the younger boy responded by rolling his eyes with a huff. He shuffled closer to where the raven had sprawled down. Gently settling next to him using one of his hands to mess with Kuroo's hair, making sure not to hurt himself again.  
"Are you gonna put a shirt on?"  
"You love it really." Kenma playfully threw a pillow at kuroo's face, receiving a lighthearted 'mean kitten' from his boyfriend. Kuroo was content watching him tap away at his games and said no more on the subject. 

The younger boy was so absorbed in his game that he didn't notice the soft, subtle snores emitting from Kuroo. Until he moved his hand a little too quickly and felt a sharp stab of pain, it wasn't the yelp that woke him up but the sudden movement of accidentally being kicked in the stomach.

Wrapping his arms around Kenma's waist he lifted his head up.  
"Are you alright?" Kenma shifted so he was lying down and nuzzled into his chest.  
"I suppose I'm ok." 

Honestly he wanted a break or a breakdown both would be equally helpful. The break would have to last much much longer than the breakdown. He didn't mean a break as in a holiday, but a break from living for a while. Maybe forever.


	6. Chapter 6

School. Living hell. Same thing. Weekends over meaning I had to survive another five days without attracting attention to myself, however, that may be more difficult as people will probably ask about my hand.  
I have yet to think of an excuse, you can't just tell someone you sliced your hand open during a panic attack. That would make anyone look crazy.  
"You want some breakfast Kenma?"  
"No thanks mum, I'm not hungry." I made myself a cup of tea and sat at the table to scroll through social media. I liked the photo of Hinata and Kageyama at Miyagi stadium. sipping at the cup of tea, deciding I should probably get dressed.  
It's definitely more difficult to get dressed when missing most of the use of your left hand. Buttons, what a bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kuroo was waiting for me outside the house as we had slept in our own houses.   
"Tie your tie, kitten." I gave him a gentle thwack on the arm before tieing my tie loosely.  
"Not in public Tetsu-chan."   
We walked silently as I was playing animal crossing, kuroo making sure I didn't walk into anything because that would be really embarrassing. We must have been running behind as the bell rang as soon as we got there.  
We got to walk together for a little bit, which was nice, as our classrooms weren't that far apart for the first lesson. He gently (read fake platonically) patted me on the back and said see you later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What happened to your hand Kenma?" 

Oh no. 

No, no, no. 

Nope. 

Abort mission.

"Uh, I was making dinner and I, Um, was peeling potatoes, it didn't go too well." Yamamoto raised an eyebrow.  
"You can't cook." I rolled my eyes, pointing to my bandaged hand.  
"Clearly."

He grinned and walked back to his seat, breathing a sigh of relief I turned back to my book. 'In cold blood' by Truman Capote. I was trying to improve my English because Kuroo is good at it and uses it to confuse me a lot.  
Break rolled around pretty quickly.

"Hey Kenma do you want to go buy a cake from the bake sale?"  
"Um, no thanks." I actually left the classroom during break, this rarely happens - trying to find Tetsurou. 

It didn't take too long to find him, a few minutes at most. Sat outside by the bike shed. 

Luckily he was only with Yaku, no one I didn't know. If there had been anyone else then I would have turned back or maybe I would have stayed put and sent him a text.  
"Hi Yaku, hey kuroo." Both of them returned the greeting, yaku smiling slightly and kuroo with his lopsided grin.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are you ok, what happened to your hand?" I managed to pass off the lie about potatoes, which was difficult with Yaku as he knew me so well. Yamamoto knew me well as well but not as well as Yaku does.  
"How are things with your family, Kuroo?" He sighed, rubbing the nape of his neck.  
"They're ok I suppose. It could be much worse." He keeps fiddling with his hands, I've never seen him so uncomfortable before. He needs a hug, but not here.

He feels awkward, now Yaku is all awkward, meaning the whole situation is awkward. I want to walk away. I want to dig a hole and bury myself alive.  
"Uh, Kenma how was class?" It was shit, as usual.  
"It was ok, I guess."   
Kuroo butted in "Are you still gonna be able to play volleyball?"  
I was about to speak but yaku got there first. Everyone keeps interrupting me.  
"Absolutely not, he's not going to injure himself even more."  
Kuroo chuckled. "Okay, mama morisuke." I slowly shrank back on myself as Tetsuro received a thwack in the stomach. I gently began to fiddle with my sleeves as I silently watched the scene in front of me.

It was too loud; I can't cover my ears that'll look weird.

The sun's too bright but I can't just leave.

My shirts to rough against my skin, no way am I taking it off.

Oh, I know what's happening now.

Everything is moving too fast.

She put her coffee down way too loud despite being 15 feet away from me.

My head aches.

"SHUT UP!" I can feel tears running down my face. Yaku and kuroo aren't talking now.

"STOP!" I want to stop people are staring.

"IT'S TOO LOUD, JUST SHUT IT." This isn't like me. Kuroo is talking but I can't hear him properly. 

I feel like I'm drowning.

Help me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" No, I need a hug right now, please?

My visions gone blurry. I'm all tingly. I shake my head. Once. Twice. Three times. 

"STOP. STOP. STOP!" I want to be at home. At least then people wouldn't stare. 

I can't breathe.

She needs to stop staring at me.

It hurts.

I want to go home. 

I can't see.

Oh god.

I can't see.

I can't see.

I can't...


	8. Chapter 8

That's bright. Why does it have to be so bright...?  
"Ken? You awake?" that's Kuroos' voice, it sounds so nice; almost always calms me. 

Almost...

That's the hospital ceiling, isn't it? I should really know, I've been here enough. Too many times according to mum. Everything is too many or too much according to mum; she knows best of course. She always says so.

Shouts so...Yells so...

"Ken? Can you hear me?" I should answer but, I wanna sleep. Yeah, sleep sounds great right now. I want to sleep forever and ever and ever; never wake up again. Mum doesn't like it when I sleep so much. 'Lazy' she says so.

Shouts so...Yells so...

Dissolving would be fun. Not in acid though, maybe just into thin air. How much I would give to disappear and never exist. 'Suicidal' a girl once said to me. Definitely, I replied. I am definitely suicidal but I'm too much of a coward to act on it. 'Attention seeking' mum says so.

Shouts so...Yells so...Smacks me so.

"Kenma? Helloooo?" That's Yaku, of course, he's here. I'm glad he's my friend; thanks to Kuroo and volleyball of course. It's thanks to my friends that I'm still on this earth, but I want to give up without making them sad. 'Childish' mum says so.

Shouts so...Yells so...Smacks me so. Screams at me so.


End file.
